Changes

Throughout our marriage, we have seen a lot of changes. We've lived in 4 different places. I have worked, and not worked. When the boys were little, there were days that I wanted to "change" and go back to work. Then there were days that I couldn't imagine doing anything else but being home with my babies. We have been happy and sad. Life threw us a big change recently. I shouldn't really say life- I think it was all in God's plan. You see, I have ALWAYS dreamed of us having a daughter. We had our two boys, but I felt like there was just a void. As they have gotten older, the ache in my heart for a little girl just got worse. I have begged and pleaded with Jason for us to please try again, but he just wouldn't budge. One week it was yes, the next week it was no, the next week he'd say that maybe we could adopt one "one day". CHANGES. I had really started to feel like it was never going to happen. Jason has always given me everything I wanted and a lot more that I deserved, so I just kept praying and praying that God would change his mind. That God would give me my girl.
This past Christmas was one of the craziest, unorganized, chaotic Christmases that I have ever had. It was also the most precious. Through circumstances that I will not mention, we had our niece, Carmen with us over the holidays. She was with us on Christmas morning. At 2:00 am all 3 of them were up to see what Santa had brought- just as Jason and I were heading to bed. They all laughed and giggled and shared toys and it was so precious. She looked over at us and told Jason and I that she was going to put her toys in her "room". We quickly realized that we needed to make a home for this little girl. She knew and we knew. She adopted us. We didn't take her, force her, or persuade her into wanting to stay with us. She CHOSE us. The next few days were not easy to say the least. The kids were all doing well and didn't even realize the extent of what we were going through. On December 31st at 3:50 we received temporary custody of Carmen.
This post is not to tell details of all the legal things. I just feel it in my heart to let you guys know what we are all going through. I have cried, and prayed, and cried some more. I have been through more in the past month, than I have been through the ENTIRE time Jason and I have been married. Nothing compares to this. Our family has dealt with hate, fear, laughter and pain all at the same time. I can't see our family ever being the same. Good and bad. The circumstances just won't allow it. I am trying so hard to stay strong. But I know what I am up against. I made a promise to a little girl that I would keep her safe. That she wouldn't ever have to leave again. Can I really keep that promise? God only knows. But I know that we will do everything in our power to fight to keep her. Not for the sake of us-for her. She will never be my daughter. She will never call me mom. She has a mom. I did not give birth to her, but I promise that within the last month I have loved her just as she was my own. We have laughed together, cried together, and argued about how to fix her hair. She has filled my void through and through. And I have filled hers. She told me for the first time on her own a week ago that she loved me. This little girl finally trusts me. And I don't know if I can keep my promise. I will hold up on my end of the deal, but I can't control what happens. It hurts my soul. DEEP down in my soul.
I have been accused of only doing this to have a daughter. That is absolutely not true. This child has been through more in her little life than most people go through in a lifetime. It wouldn't matter if it were a boy or a girl, I would do this. SHE said to us that she wanted to be here. I didn't forcefully take anyone's child. I have protected her. I have been called names, threatened, yelled at, cussed at, and talked to like no person that your son and brother loves should ever be talked to. I think we can all agree that this wasn't my idea of having a daughter. It just wasn't in God's plan for me. And I finally accept it now. I know- I KNOW IN MY HEART that I am supposed to do this. I pretend to be so tough on the outside. But it hurts to be hated so much by people that I want to love me so much. It's killing me. It's causing problems with our marriage. And I can't allow it to happen but I just don't know what to do. I feel God just pushing and telling me to keep on. That it is all gonna be ok.

I went alot deeper into this than I ever intended to. But I needed to let it out. Let it GO. Cause it has built up and I am scared. I am scared to let a little girl down, I am scared to lose my husband, and I am scared to lose me. Because its breaking me. Not Carmen, just all that has come along with just trying to help this little girl. So will you please say a prayer for us? For Carmen? Pray that whatever is meant to be, will be? And that God with give Jason and I strength to not let this break us. We love each other very much, and I now know that the devil will intervene when you least expect him. That's what we are up against right now.


Love to all,

Misti